Character

It seems that I always go back and forth in wanting to journal online or hand write my feelings. When I die, I do not want someone to come across my journals and read all of my personal thoughts. Right now the challenge for me is to be taking my every thought captive. I am being challenged in several areas of my life right now...a big one in being relationships specifically friendships. I find myself questioning why God brought certain people into my life. In one relationship in particular it has been a long time of drama.

In frinedships I have been learning the hard way of what it means to not only set up boundaries, but sticking to them. In my heart I want to hurry up and get out of Sonoma County. I have been here for far too long and God is moving me on to change. In these last several months in Santa Rosa, God has been showing me or allowing the bitterness to rise in my heart so that He can get it out and deal with it. Having bitterness eats one up inside. I am finding myself wanting to spend my last months here in Sonoma County with friendships where it comes naturally and does not require so much work all the time.

There are other things on my heart besides relationships such as financially getting by, taking a hard class this semester and discerning where I am supposed to move to in the summer time. This season has been one of great suffering for sure. It feels like it is never going to end. I need to be in the word and not staring into the computer screen. Sinning sexually is not going to make things better. In the word it talks about sin leading to death. If I keep on at this path, I am going to make myself sick in the head. Lord, I know that I am always praying to you confessing my sins to you and then asking for forgivness. I need to be fearing you trully and beinf afraid on death and sin and what it is doing to me.

Alonng with that my tongue. With my tongue I praise You and I curse you. It says that in your word. Help my tongue and my thoughts be used to left other people up and not bring them down. Because I am annoyed with a particular friendship, I am bringing this person down. It is not helpful for her nor is it helping me. I'm commiting it into your hands Lord and saying please take it from me. I can't deal with this on my own. It is making me sick. When I see this person I just want to throw up and not even be in their presence. That character is not of you Lord and it needs to be changed. I know that fully in my heart.