wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! tonight was amazing. I would say the 3-4 grand was raised tonight in order to help send Christy and Andrew to Mexico to help stop human traffiicing. I feel convicted in a lot of ways....looking at the computer for my own sexual desires.....I am sooo sick of it. Only God can truly satisfy me and I want my future husband Lord willing to be able to satisfy me in marriage and not have to depend on some computer. I was exposed to this by my dad as a little child...but now I am a grown adult and I feel to put this generational sin to an end with the Lord's help. The images make your mind sick. Girls are being forced into sexual exploitation and here I am choosing to have an encounter with these sexual sins. Thankfully there is confession and grace and repentance and a new start. It is a new month coming up in a couple of days and I want to start March out differently. Getting up in the morning even when I am tired and having quiet times and sitting with the Lord praying for others and lifting them up rather than my own needs. I have to trust that God knows my needs and he will provide as he sees fit in his due time.
Something that really struck me tonight was just the way God provided for Andrew and Christy! Both of their hearts are willing to go to Mexico and He is simply making it happen as they are saying yes to what he is calling them to do. I think of my own life and how right now things seem financially difficult and I have been doubting God. Tonight was a wake up call and it made me stop and think about my tongue. Instead of complaining about struggling financially, I should be praising God that he has provided for my needs. As the money seems to be running out he provides all the more.
I would say that my faith has been strengthened tonight and I have been challenged to walk more in the spirit and not in the flesh.
It goes with the same for my friendship with Renae. My flesh wants to be mad at her, but my spirit knows that is not the answer. I am going to deal with her at a distance for now and come back to her in due time, but right now I just need some space and hang out with my CORE peeps right now. I am growing to love this community so much and will be sad when the day comes when I will be leaving to head off to Atlanta.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Bitterness and Unforgiveness
Lord I trust that you can handle this. She is such a bitch! My heart is filled with bitterness and hurt and she does not even seem to give a damn. I feel like 2 years of my life have been wasted with this girl. I am really struggling right now with forgiveness and bitterness. My flesh does not want to forgive her, but I know that in my heart it is wrong to feel the way that I do towards her. Seeing her or thinking about her just makes me sick. I wish we did not even have the same name or even have met.
I need to for sure get away from this church right now and have that freedom to not see her in passing. I am debating if I am going to church on Wedensday or not. I really do not want to at all.
In your word Lord it talks about forgiving 77 times 7. That feels very hard for me to do right now towards this person. I have been continually hurt by her words and actions. When does one draw the line? Can you answer that for me Lord? I have been trying to be in your word, but it has been so hard. You are pruning me for sure and it has been a very painful process.
It feels very hard for me to want to pray for this person. After they have wronged me and betrayed me why should I? I should because you laid down your life for me and forgave me of my sins and expect your children to do like wise. Oh it is so much easier said than done. I need your help in this area Lord because my flesh just wants to hold this grudge, but I need to let it go and move on so that I can LIVE the life that you have called me to life. No one else is going to be and I can't be anyone else. After spending time with this girl and seeing what she allows no one else to see, I do not want to be her at all. Jumping around from friend to friend and guy to guy. It is a sad life and I do not want that for my life. I want to make real genuine friendships where both parties equally care for each other with thier actions not just with thier words. Help me Lord not to go to bed angry tonight. My flesh really wants to, but my heart knows thats not the answer. I need to be focus my energy on this upcoming test I have in anatomy this Friday. I need to score a mich higher grade on this lab exam so that I can bring my overall percentage up to a C average. Oh how I need you Lord.
I need to for sure get away from this church right now and have that freedom to not see her in passing. I am debating if I am going to church on Wedensday or not. I really do not want to at all.
In your word Lord it talks about forgiving 77 times 7. That feels very hard for me to do right now towards this person. I have been continually hurt by her words and actions. When does one draw the line? Can you answer that for me Lord? I have been trying to be in your word, but it has been so hard. You are pruning me for sure and it has been a very painful process.
It feels very hard for me to want to pray for this person. After they have wronged me and betrayed me why should I? I should because you laid down your life for me and forgave me of my sins and expect your children to do like wise. Oh it is so much easier said than done. I need your help in this area Lord because my flesh just wants to hold this grudge, but I need to let it go and move on so that I can LIVE the life that you have called me to life. No one else is going to be and I can't be anyone else. After spending time with this girl and seeing what she allows no one else to see, I do not want to be her at all. Jumping around from friend to friend and guy to guy. It is a sad life and I do not want that for my life. I want to make real genuine friendships where both parties equally care for each other with thier actions not just with thier words. Help me Lord not to go to bed angry tonight. My flesh really wants to, but my heart knows thats not the answer. I need to be focus my energy on this upcoming test I have in anatomy this Friday. I need to score a mich higher grade on this lab exam so that I can bring my overall percentage up to a C average. Oh how I need you Lord.
Character
It seems that I always go back and forth in wanting to journal online or hand write my feelings. When I die, I do not want someone to come across my journals and read all of my personal thoughts. Right now the challenge for me is to be taking my every thought captive. I am being challenged in several areas of my life right now...a big one in being relationships specifically friendships. I find myself questioning why God brought certain people into my life. In one relationship in particular it has been a long time of drama.
In frinedships I have been learning the hard way of what it means to not only set up boundaries, but sticking to them. In my heart I want to hurry up and get out of Sonoma County. I have been here for far too long and God is moving me on to change. In these last several months in Santa Rosa, God has been showing me or allowing the bitterness to rise in my heart so that He can get it out and deal with it. Having bitterness eats one up inside. I am finding myself wanting to spend my last months here in Sonoma County with friendships where it comes naturally and does not require so much work all the time.
There are other things on my heart besides relationships such as financially getting by, taking a hard class this semester and discerning where I am supposed to move to in the summer time. This season has been one of great suffering for sure. It feels like it is never going to end. I need to be in the word and not staring into the computer screen. Sinning sexually is not going to make things better. In the word it talks about sin leading to death. If I keep on at this path, I am going to make myself sick in the head. Lord, I know that I am always praying to you confessing my sins to you and then asking for forgivness. I need to be fearing you trully and beinf afraid on death and sin and what it is doing to me.
Alonng with that my tongue. With my tongue I praise You and I curse you. It says that in your word. Help my tongue and my thoughts be used to left other people up and not bring them down. Because I am annoyed with a particular friendship, I am bringing this person down. It is not helpful for her nor is it helping me. I'm commiting it into your hands Lord and saying please take it from me. I can't deal with this on my own. It is making me sick. When I see this person I just want to throw up and not even be in their presence. That character is not of you Lord and it needs to be changed. I know that fully in my heart.
In frinedships I have been learning the hard way of what it means to not only set up boundaries, but sticking to them. In my heart I want to hurry up and get out of Sonoma County. I have been here for far too long and God is moving me on to change. In these last several months in Santa Rosa, God has been showing me or allowing the bitterness to rise in my heart so that He can get it out and deal with it. Having bitterness eats one up inside. I am finding myself wanting to spend my last months here in Sonoma County with friendships where it comes naturally and does not require so much work all the time.
There are other things on my heart besides relationships such as financially getting by, taking a hard class this semester and discerning where I am supposed to move to in the summer time. This season has been one of great suffering for sure. It feels like it is never going to end. I need to be in the word and not staring into the computer screen. Sinning sexually is not going to make things better. In the word it talks about sin leading to death. If I keep on at this path, I am going to make myself sick in the head. Lord, I know that I am always praying to you confessing my sins to you and then asking for forgivness. I need to be fearing you trully and beinf afraid on death and sin and what it is doing to me.
Alonng with that my tongue. With my tongue I praise You and I curse you. It says that in your word. Help my tongue and my thoughts be used to left other people up and not bring them down. Because I am annoyed with a particular friendship, I am bringing this person down. It is not helpful for her nor is it helping me. I'm commiting it into your hands Lord and saying please take it from me. I can't deal with this on my own. It is making me sick. When I see this person I just want to throw up and not even be in their presence. That character is not of you Lord and it needs to be changed. I know that fully in my heart.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)